Support The TaTa’s…. And The Crazy Bra, Lady!
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OK, ladies, all of you will be able to relate to this. Have you ever been on a journey or quest to find a perfect bra, one that doesn't dig, poke or ride up? I have a few friends who are on this journey as well. The first thing they do when they get home is take off that spandex medieval contraption because it has been killing them all day. Also, did you know that there are webpages devoted to 101 slang names for breast? Some of the names are a pink nose puppies, milk monsters, over the shoulder boulders, hooters, jugs, airbags, bazooka, fun bags, boobs and knockers. I had no idea our breasts got that much attention!
I know when we were tweens, and we wore our first "training bra," it was a big freaking deal, pretty much a right of passage, until we quickly understood how “f” uncomfortable the dang thing was. Why do they call them training bras anyway? What is the training? Per, Wikipedia definition a training bra (also trainer bra, starter bra, or first bra) is a lightweight Brazier designed for girls who have begun to develop breast. The training bra is intended to be worn during puberty when the breast are not yet large enough to fit into standard size bra. Training bras often provide minimal or no support and may serve aesthetic purposes to fulfill cultural norms and beauty standards. Talk about all of us girls being brainwashed at an early age to conform to cultural norms and beauty standards! I actually think this is a conspiracy theory. The training bras weren't developed for the tween girl but for the tween boy to train and figure out how to flick them off in less than half a second!
And why do bras, swimsuits or other intimate apparel cost a fortune when there is only a sliver of material? Guys’ swim trunks cost a fraction of the price. From the first day I wore a bra, I was always searching for the perfect one like it was some sort of Zen-like conquest that I could actually achieve if I practiced discipline, mindfulness and patience. The Zen moment never arrived. I gave up for a while because I determined there was no perfect bra on this planet. When I started losing range of motion in my arms, I went back on the Zen conquest with a vengeance because I needed something that would be practical and comfortable.
I am not flat chested. I am a good C/D cup size which requires some support. This was the first time in my life I wish I was an A cup or was a candidate for a breast reduction. Since neither of those were an option, I experimented with so many different types of bras to support my tatas - sports bras, bras that hooked in the front, bras that went over the head, bras you stepped into and pulled up, bralettes, bras that were sewn into cami tops, I even tried those whacked out pasty thingamajigs and boob tape. And, let's not forget all the bra features - wires, wireless, padded, removable pads, racer back. At one point, I was ordering several bras at a time from Amazon. I would try them on and send them all back. I was beginning to become on a first name basis with a guy at the UPS counter who always took my bra returns. He would chuckle every time I walked in. I guess that is the downside to the convenience of returning Amazon items, no box no label. I'm sure he talked with his coworkers about the crazy bra lady.
Before ALS, I would readjust my bra several times throughout the day. I never gave any thought to it, and you probably don't either. How many times do you readjust your bra throughout the day? Now, think about trying to do it with no arm function and limited hand strength! At this point, I could barely even hold a pen so having the strength to adjust the medieval device is just not happening. Not only does the bra need to be comfortable and functional, it has to be functional for my husband/caregiver to put on me.
I'd like to reiterate, again, that due to all of the training men receive at an early age, they can take off a bra in less than a second. But trying to explain to your spouse how to put on a bra is totally different story. During our experimental phase there would be many times we would have one boob in and one boob out. We would laugh and say, “That didn't work out so well.” Eventually, we decided to settle on sports bras because there were no hooks, and it would be easier for him to put on me. Until, all of a sudden, they would ride up and half my boob would be hanging out. I would walk around like that all day until he came home because I wasn't able to pull the bra back down. Frustrated once again, we went back to the original bras with a wire that I put on, flip it, and put my arms through. I give my spouse credit. He was very patient with me on this journey to find something that worked. I can honestly say now not only can he flick off the bra in half a second, he is a pro and able to put it on in half a second! I don't think this is something many men say they can do. We call that caregiver plus. Another thing to add to his repertoire for a resume builder. Going through this process with me, he also confirmed that bras are definitely medieval devices. He mentioned he felt badly for us girls and what we go through. When we get home the first thing he asks me is, “Would you like to get your bra off?”
I am proud to finally tell you while on this quest I have achieved my Zen moment. I found a perfect bra that works for me and for my husband. It is a hybrid - part sports bra and regular bra, and yes, I purchased it from Amazon. I bet the UPS guy misses me. I'm sure on this ALS journey I will find many more interesting things to return.
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